The Artist’s Ways: The Dark Side of “The Morning Pages”

Week 8

I am currently on Week 8 of my journey through The Artist’s Way.

I thought I would have some sort of big breakthrough by now, but instead, I found myself questioning whether this was all worth it.

In my last blog post on Media Deprivation, I expressed my frustration with denying myself access to social media, which I also use as a form of connection.

While I failed at Media Deprivation and allowed myself to do whatever I wanted, I found myself cutting out all my social media the following week.

Cutting off social media made me realize that I didn’t feel good on these apps, nor was I inspired in any way; if anything, I felt worse, and I was wasting countless hours scrolling. It’s amazing how many hours can go by when you are just scrolling. I get lost in time and space.

Nothing was going to get accomplished by feeling bad and mindless scrolling.

Not to mention the comparison that comes with judging other people’s lives compared to my own.

Around Week 6, I noticed something going on with the morning pages. They felt like a repetitive outburst of my mental clutter. Here’s the thing: I hear my mental clutter at times during the day; I didn’t see why I needed to write it out every morning.

I didn’t see a shift in my inner self or outer world. I didn’t have a freeing experience, as others have documented using the morning pages. Instead, I was experiencing deep depression.

The experience exposed me to a point where I didn’t feel comfortable, and it made me feel more stuck than when I started.

I was stuck in a bit of self-loathing.

I felt like I had to pray for guidance, that I needed God to save me from these dark thoughts that were repeatedly exposing themselves in the morning pages.

Here’s the thing: I don’t think it’s actually healthy to stay in that pattern of self-loathing. As an avid reader on the mind, I know what you feed it is important, and it’s also just as important to release what doesn’t serve you.

After the morning pages became “The Dark Morning Pages,” I reverted back to my old journaling style, which often starts off with things I am grateful for or a written prayer to God.

While I love the concept of the morning pages, I advise you to be aware if the pages might be keeping you stuck in darkness.

Even on the less appealing side of the morning pages, I continue to write three pages each morning. This is a routine I would like to keep after I am done with the 12-week course.

Julia Cameron mentioned in her book that we release things in the 12-week course, which can be referred to as Kryas. I would like to think that getting sick and tired of my way of thinking and falling into depression was my version of a kriya being released.

UPDATE

I haven’t made any major changes in my life externally, yet I feel more at peace in my situation of “still trying to figure it out” at 41.

When I started off, I felt stuck in my loneliness and need for connection. As I moved through the morning pages, things became clearer to me: I can’t rush anything that is not meant for me right now, my connection to God is important, and I still struggle to have faith at times.

I enjoy my time alone now more than ever. I am not reminiscing about what should have been, who did me wrong, or how I am not doing enough.